Xin ling ji tang

As I manage to sit down at this desk on this Sunday night, I feel a gentle touch of melancholy. It must have sounded youthfully pretentious if we say that in our mother tongue. At least I would feel so. Yet I have to confess that it is my honest feeling. As I sit down I suddenly feel that I am still so very confused of so many things and even though, with the so-called slogan of "day day up" and "learn from the good," the truth may be that we will never learn and we will make stupid simple mistakes again and again.

like the button that killed thousands of people in an instant was pressed by one person or more.

It happens and is happening.

Since I've started working, I remind myself of learning to be a "good worker," or at least not someone your leader will dislike or despise daily. I remind myself that even though certain things, you don't value that much, you need to do it properly. Like an adult. I don't know how I may convince myself deep down. or how long it takes. It may not even be a struggle, but a pretty lie I tell myself again and again as if someday it will no longer bother me.

It may happen.

I may have become what some old friends dislike. And I may have distanced myself from many. It all may happen, may have happened.

I have let many go.

Not that I don't like them.

I guess they will run into me one day and I will be able to recognize them and tell how beautiful they were when we first met. That kind of beautiful.

Yes, beauty. Somehow I don't feel it often recently. To be amazed by a person, by a scene, by a voice, by a melody. Something like that.

I did try to please myself with some dose of beauty. I started reading The Norton Introduction to Poetry before night. Now I am 43 pages in. During the time I spent with it, I fell in love with two poems and have them on my wall.

I do not feel caged. Or trapped. Like before.

I am not sure what I am feeling.

I console myself through this kind of writing, that's all.

And I thought of my grandfather again today when I heard people playing Erhu. Yes, that sound belonged to him.

Part of life is forever gone and forever present, like ever before.

Important people leave.

I was having nightmares. They have invaded my hometown.

My dream, a land created by my brain yet uncontrolled. Uncensored.

Tell me. Tell me. What do you wish me to do, with courage and strength, what to do?

Or have I chosen to hide, to avoid, making stupid mistakes?

You must know.

I wish you'll never meet me cuz i know you won't like me. And I don't wish to meet people who will like this part of me.

I've known how to attract people. How to impress. Sometimes, many times, I just don't feel like doing that.

Let me be small.

Do not see me.

If I have found a house to stay during this windy night, thousands of people have, too.

People may drink to say crazy things. I don't. I am naturally drunk here, in words.

So I wish you never know me, so I can tell you a thousand stories about me to you and you never know which story is true and where my soul inhabits cuz they don't matter cuz every word is true.

Sometimes I say stupid things. Only I care. Only I forgive. Cuz I let myself to be stupid.

Cuz I didn't care about those human beings around.

I've lost my razor.

I can hurt no one.

Or save no one.

If I have once admired a controlling btch as Amazing Amy, that's because I so wish to have control of my life.

And I guess literally no one has.

Unless they are fictional.

And that is why I exist.

Ciao~ciao~